So, I have learned that Tracey (9) was the one who took us there, to that horrible place.

My therapist and others have helped me figure some things out. 
Not everything but I get the overall idea of what is going on. 

Tracey feels like no one sees her and that we don't believe what has happened to her. She also feels like I, Valynn don't believe that that place is real and that it didn't all happen.

I do know that place is real. I just don't want to know everything that has happened. I know I will have to think it and feel it and work through it in order for all of us to heal. But it is so scared and I don't feel ready.

I was so angry with Tracey for doing this but I am starting to take it in and understand why. Knowing why does not make it less painful or easy to face. 

Looks like therapy will be quite intense over the next little while. 

Feeling the fear and doing it anyways. 

I can see how brave it was for Tracey to go there and then admit to someone that it was her and why. I think I struggle so much of course cause it is I who is attached personally to these places and feelings and events. 

Anyways feel like I am rambling but I am trying to still take this all in and process it all as well. 

I am totally freaked out. 
We dissociated a couple of nights ago and when we came to so to speak and the awareness returned it was like 3am and we were sitting 2 and half hours from home in a park right beside our childhood home where all the sexual abuse took place. 

We began to shake uncontrollably when I, Valynn realized where I was. It was the same but difference. Took a few mins to realize where we were.

This was the place where my uncle first hurt us by having sex with us when the body was 9. The abuse started at age four to our memory, maybe before. 

After not being here for over 23 years the shock was so so so scary. 

Memories stared flooding back in and I quickly began questioning those inside as to why? Unfortunately in a very freaked out angry way. I started yelling why would you ever fucking bring me here. What in the world are you trying to tell me. Why would you bring me to hell on earth again....


This was so very re traumatizing.........

So much so that even writing this is bringing it back. I have no idea how I have not cut around it yet. I am fighting the urges so bad right now.  I am feeling unsafe inside. Not life threatening unsafe but super little scary unsafe. If that makes any sense. 

I then called someone, a safe friend, to come to get us. He did and helped me write a note reading. "I survived this place" and posted it up where people could see it. 

We have not lost time like this in a long time. It scares us and wondering why now. 

I wish I could find the words to express how devastating it was to be back 23 years later in a place of hell. 

This place where many men hurt me daily for years...I don't know how to close this or deal with this, or process this. I am needing much support. I need to say more but will stop for now as I am getting quite re- triggered. 

Gotta go....hugs and feedback welcomed please.

You stole a piece of me.
A piece lost forever.
A piece floating, lost someone in time.
A missing space left where that piece of me should of been.
Left feeling all alone in this world.
I am many, not by choice.
Alone and cold, a child with no friends.
Dark and scared, blind folded and unaware.
Not knowing it's wrong but knowing it's hell.
I found a way to make it, a way that left me lost.
No one to help me, to keep me safe, no one to hold me,
struggling to live just one more day.
The dream to start over, to get a chance again.
To dream of unicorns, candy, and a kiss from the prince.
Instead a wish whispered into the night.
For light, love, safety and one wish.
A wish for them to stop and a body that is mine.
Tears flow and then stop in fear.
Weak and shakey, broken and bruised.
Wishing she was never born and questioning why?!
What has she done wrong.
Her inner friends come to stay awhile.
Some older, some big and some very strong.
Some little, some scared, their here to share.
Unable to indure alone.
They came to her when she called.
No real friends only those inside.
And when one wants to talk the others go and hide.
I tried to push them all away,
They say I'm loved and mean it alot.
Wish I could feel it instead of the emptiness within.
Used and abused, left cold to rot.
They were my only comfort.
As a child I talked to them plenty.
Now grow not so much.
Most days I feel bad.
Not worthy to live.
Destroyed beyond repair.
A handful we've become.
I'm sorry are words I wish I couldn't say.
But I say them often and I say them everyday.
Where do we go from here?
Are we going to make it?
Always find the strength to make it one more day.
Today there are people.
People who say they care.
Soon these people will let go of her little hand.
Will she take her first steps on her own?
Only time, of which she rarely has will hold the unknown.

Guess the broken promises added up again, today. Couldn't breathe, couldn't put away the intense feelings. Yesterdays session with the PDoc opened up some stuff that we just couldn't seem to put away. *crying....
Needed to feel the blade against the skin. Are we real, are we alive? Tried many things this pass evening and none of it helped. Feel like such a failure as usual. I am so sorry N, S, PDoc P and mostly to the littles. Afraid to sleep, it is almost 4am and we know he awaits us there. His hands on our body make it difficult to sit in this skin. After almost 6 weeks we fucked up. The blood helps us know we are alive. Most think we shouldn't talk about this but to those who don't like it press the little X in the top cornor of the window and you never have to come here and read about it again. IT HURTS!!!!!! FUCKING HATE HIM!!!! HATE THEM!!!! It's not fair!!! Wish we could have said something.........sigh......Going to the washroom we found the stash of razors...wish we would have said that and had them put somewhere else. Now the blades are back in our possesion. Took all of 2 mins to pop them open and do damage. Don't know what to say.....Part of us is like, whatev, who friigin cares....you get a break but it never really goes away. Thinking this will be the hardest addiction to tackle. Sadly, can't wait to do it again but not the only one up any more.....

Written by: Can't tell....but we're in this together her and I.....